But I know why you’re really here. This letter generally serves as my announcement channel for big life changes – most notably new babies and new addresses. Well. I’m pleased to announce that, for the first time since 2006, I do not have a new address to share this year. She’s arriving in June.
To the confusion of many, Owen has been brazenly telling people he’s “getting a baby sister” for the last 18-months. So when we told him that he’s actually getting a baby sister, his response was an exasperated “I already no’dat, guys.” Since then, not much has changed in his forthright demeanor other than the fact that now, it’s true. And Theo, the perpetually loyal companion, has started leaving tithes and offerings by saving coveted bites of his favorite snacks and setting them on top of my I-ate-a-burrito-shaped belly. (I wait until he’s not looking and eat them without complaint, obviously. After all, the burrito bulge is simply an illusion.)
People have been asking how I’m feeling, but it’s the first pregnancy+childbirth+new parenthood combo that hits you like a Mack truck. After surviving that forceful impact, I've found that you just reach a highly functioning state of constant exhaustion and what used to put you on the couch for a week (or 12) now seems like just another Tuesday. You know when you’ve plugged your phone in only to discover that the charger wasn’t in the outlet and your phone hasn’t recharged at all? That's what going to sleep as a parent is like. Sure, I’ve had to limit my lifeblood (aka my daily coffee and wine), but other than that, I’m operating at status quo.
One thing has been different. Now that we’re adding a girl to the mix, we’re having all sorts of feelings. Sure we were overjoyed when we learned we were having boys, but these feelings are different. For example, we’ve already received some gifts (pink taxed accordingly), and yep – they’re all pink. My son Theo loves the color pink. Is it strange that I don’t want my daughter to? And somehow everything from her name to the toys we’ll put in front of her seems to carry so much more weight. Or assumption. Or expectation. Or all of the above. And it all irks me. Do I normalize and signal-boost by encouraging my daughter to own her (theoretical) love for pink for all it's worth? Do I give her an overtly feminine name so that she can defy the self-fulfilling stereotypes? Or do I equip her with the Dealing With Patriarchy Protips™ that every woman keeps in her
It won’t surprise anyone to learn that I was raised by strong, loving, force-of-nature-type women. This is reflected in the company I keep today. And one of these women perfectly summed up my dilemma with this catchy proverb: “With two boys, you worry about two penises. With a girl? All of the penises. You worry about all of them.” The reason this is such sage counsel isn’t just because being rapey is – and forever has been – prevalent. Or that so often rape culture is casually dismissed as locker room talk (or the 2018 version: “hangin’ with PJ and Squee”). It is sage counsel because it’s not just the rapey part of the patriarchy that gives rise to worry, it’s the dissonance between believing in equality and being willing to live it. While only a very small percent of Americans think women should not be equal, according to Pew, plenty still ascribe to retrograde ideas about innate ability and biological differences between the sexes. While women tend to think that differences between men and women are based on societal expectations, men are more likely to believe in a “natural” difference. Put into a specific context, a study spanning decades shows that 25% of people believe that, while women and men should be equal in the public sphere, women should do the majority of domestic work and childcare. Of course! True to form, women should work like they don’t have children and raise children as if they don’t work, right? Look – the women and men who stay home as the family CEO are badasses and should be celebrated as such. It’s the hardest, most selfless, least championed important job on the planet. But arguing that women are naturally better at caretaking or cleaning or sending birthday presents or packing lunches has become a clever way to shirk living up to progressive values while claiming you’re simply complimenting women on their stellar ironing skills.
So back to my aforementioned feelings. I’m actively working on raising two boys to become productive, self-aware, compassionate members of society who will not abuse others with their power, privilege, or penises. The script flips knowing that I’ll soon be raising a girl to become a productive, self-aware, compassionate member of society who will not be abused by power, privilege, or penises. Note that subtle shift from active to passive voice? Nothing better sums up my feelings than the disparity in this reality.
So while I can’t possibly have all the answers as to how best to navigate the world she’s six months away from entering, here is what I vow to her today and forever:
- I vow to show her the strength of womanhood and the power she innately possesses. Strong women are not intimidating – others are intimidated. Note the difference.
- I vow that, despite what any ancient dogma or new age guru says, she’ll know that she is not somehow naturally subordinate to a man, no matter how well he is commanded to treat her. She will understand that women have more than male benevolence as the basis for our wellbeing.
- I vow to always remind her to put on her own oxygen mask first – to love, to truly love herself, so she can lead by example and continue to serve others. Breathing is critical to any success.
- I vow to always be honest about the lessons I’ve learned, but also allow her to make her own mistakes.
- I vow to lead by example and ensure she’s surrounded by strong, loving, force-of-nature-type women. Children don’t hear us, they imitate us. (...I type as my 2-year-old effortlessly navigates an iPhone.)
- I vow to encourage her to seek knowledge, empower her mind, and always ask why.
- I vow that she will never hear me casually dismiss behavior by saying “boys will be boys.” Instead, she will see boys being held accountable for their actions.
- I vow to constantly remind her that we are not our possessions, but we are the accumulation of everything we've seen, the things we've done, and the places we've been. Time is the most precious resource we have. Take the trip. Drink the wine. Order the dessert.
- I vow to be the place she can come to feel uplifted and protected. To be there for her always, through it all, regardless of circumstance.
- I vow to raise her not to wait for a knight, but to wait for a sword – she’ll learn to slay her own dragons, not to wait for someone to do it for her.
- I vow that there will never be conditions put on my love for her.
- I vow that her older brothers will know, live, and learn these truths as she does.
So if you’ve only been scrolling your curated news and personalized feeds, you might have the impression that our country is coming apart at the seams. But please pause and take a breath. The government, especially the presidency, is in chaos and dysfunction, but the country is not. That is not to minimize the grave danger of the moment, but we must also realize that we are an expansive, diverse, and resilient nation of impassioned citizens and deep resources. If living abroad for nearly a decade gave me any perspective, it’s not only that Americans are an egregiously earnest bunch who unironically say “awesome” with painful enthusiasm, but that we innately contain inexplicable hope and resolve that grants us the ability to adjust and survive. We’ve proven it time and again.
So… steady. Please, steady. There is plenty to worry about, plenty to resolve to not normalize, plenty of fight for rights and justice, plenty to vow and instill in our children. And as we’ve seen, it is extremely easy, lazy, and lucrative to lead by fear. Yet I still choose hope. Because what’s the alternative? What do we want to model for our kids? I want them to believe in possibility. I want my daughter to know that, while there will be plenty of dragons to slay along her path, she doesn’t need to wait for a knight who is “naturally” better at that sort of thing, she needs to pick up a sword. Because in the end, she is who we are all counting on.
The arc of history is longer than this email and similarly challenging to follow, but I’m confident that we’ll make our way through the current crisis. Because if life and Instagram have taught me anything, it’s that things are seldom as good or as bad as they appear in any given snapshot of time. So have courage – the world needs you to show up today. You are valuable. Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyway. I’ll be there, too.
So… steady. Please, steady. There is plenty to worry about, plenty to resolve to not normalize, plenty of fight for rights and justice, plenty to vow and instill in our children. And as we’ve seen, it is extremely easy, lazy, and lucrative to lead by fear. Yet I still choose hope. Because what’s the alternative? What do we want to model for our kids? I want them to believe in possibility. I want my daughter to know that, while there will be plenty of dragons to slay along her path, she doesn’t need to wait for a knight who is “naturally” better at that sort of thing, she needs to pick up a sword. Because in the end, she is who we are all counting on.
The arc of history is longer than this email and similarly challenging to follow, but I’m confident that we’ll make our way through the current crisis. Because if life and Instagram have taught me anything, it’s that things are seldom as good or as bad as they appear in any given snapshot of time. So have courage – the world needs you to show up today. You are valuable. Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyway. I’ll be there, too.
Wishing you and yours a hope-filled 2019.
Laura
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My 18 of 2018 – media I consumed that changed, challenged, or informed my opinions this year, all of which I highly recommend.
- Racism’s Punishing Reach (Believe, as many do, that racial inequality is linked to class inequality? It’s not. It’s just harder to be black in America no matter what.)
- UnErased: Mama Bears (The entire series is heart-wrenching and wonderful.)
- Michelle Obama’s full interview on Colbert (A masterclass in tenacity, class, and realness.)
- Creating God (The social construct of religion and why it doesn’t matter. Spoiler: because religion works regardless of whether it’s true or not.)
- X&Y (The entire Gonads series is brilliant.)
- Life or Death Crisis for Black Mothers (The disparity is tied intrinsically to the lived experience of being a black woman in America.)
- Slanguage: Why it’s literally not wrong to say literally (I still can’t quite get behind this one, but I’m literally giving it a solid try.)
- Weaponizing Victimhood (Unpacking the warped idea of male victimhood in the #MeToo era.)
- Republicans & The Deficit (Fascinating insight into why George HW Bush wasn’t re-elected, but arguably should have been.)
- World’s Apart (Yes, it’s a commercial. Yes, it’s worth watching.)
- The Politics of Purity (Meet the hero you didn’t know you had: Claire McCaskill.)
- White, Evangelical, And Worried about Trump (More inspiring heroes.)
- A New Climate Tipping Point (Carbon Tax 101 and why I’m in favor of paying my dues.)
- Facts don’t change people’s minds. Here’s what does. (Hint: it’s not going for the gut punch, it’s giving the previous decision an excuse.)
- The Gender Wars of Household Chores (Effectively my boxing day email in comic form.)
- Addressing Beliefs That Aren’t Rooted In Reality (Why fear is a dangerous and often inaccurate motivator.)
- Chimamanda Adichie on NPR talking about how to raise a feminist daughter
- Anything on Dan Rather’s Twitter feed (Case in point, here’s his most recent 🔥)
