Boxing-Binge 2018 (Season 14 Now Available)

It starts around the second week of December. Friends I’m texting will casually add something like: “Your boxing thing is still coming, right?” And I get it, people. Is there even anything else to do on December 26th? (No.) How would you know if I’m okay if I didn’t send you on a sardonic word rollercoaster speeding around curves from the benefits of a carbon tax to the hypocrisy of turning away persecuted refugee families while singing “Away In A Manger?” (I’m fine.) And most importantly, where else are you going to find shouty opinions that conveniently affirm most of your own socio-political leanings? (Times are so hard for shouty opinions.) To not disappoint, this year I boxing-binged early in hopes that I don’t have to undergo your shouty opinions when the 26th comes and goes without this mutually masochistic missive gracing your inbox. Are we having fun yet? Fasten your seatbelts.

But I know why you’re really here. This letter generally serves as my announcement channel for big life changes – most notably new babies and new addresses. Well. I’m pleased to announce that, for the first time since 2006, I do not have a new address to share this year. She’s arriving in June.

To the confusion of many, Owen has been brazenly telling people he’s “getting a baby sister” for the last 18-months. So when we told him that he’s actually getting a baby sister, his response was an exasperated “I already no’dat, guys.” Since then, not much has changed in his forthright demeanor other than the fact that now, it’s true. And Theo, the perpetually loyal companion, has started leaving tithes and offerings by saving coveted bites of his favorite snacks and setting them on top of my I-ate-a-burrito-shaped belly. (I wait until he’s not looking and eat them without complaint, obviously. After all, the burrito bulge is simply an illusion.)

People have been asking how I’m feeling, but it’s the first pregnancy+childbirth+new parenthood combo that hits you like a Mack truck. After surviving that forceful impact, I've found that you just reach a highly functioning state of constant exhaustion and what used to put you on the couch for a week (or 12) now seems like just another Tuesday. You know when you’ve plugged your phone in only to discover that the charger wasn’t in the outlet and your phone hasn’t recharged at all? That's what going to sleep as a parent is like. Sure, I’ve had to limit my lifeblood (aka my daily coffee and wine), but other than that, I’m operating at status quo.

One thing has been different. Now that we’re adding a girl to the mix, we’re having all sorts of feelings. Sure we were overjoyed when we learned we were having boys, but these feelings are different. For example, we’ve already received some gifts (pink taxed accordingly), and yep – they’re all pink. My son Theo loves the color pink. Is it strange that I don’t want my daughter to? And somehow everything from her name to the toys we’ll put in front of her seems to carry so much more weight. Or assumption. Or expectation. Or all of the above. And it all irks me. Do I normalize and signal-boost by encouraging my daughter to own her (theoretical) love for pink for all it's worth? Do I give her an overtly feminine name so that she can defy the self-fulfilling stereotypes? Or do I equip her with the Dealing With Patriarchy Protips™ that every woman keeps in her pocket corset? Should I set her up for success in the reality that is today’s world with a gender-neutral name so that she doesn’t have to constantly convince people to respect her? It would be irresponsible not to do all of these things, right?

It won’t surprise anyone to learn that I was raised by strong, loving, force-of-nature-type women. This is reflected in the company I keep today. And one of these women perfectly summed up my dilemma with this catchy proverb: “With two boys, you worry about two penises. With a girl? All of the penises. You worry about all of them.” The reason this is such sage counsel isn’t just because being rapey is – and forever has been – prevalent. Or that so often rape culture is casually dismissed as locker room talk (or the 2018 version: “hangin’ with PJ and Squee”). It is sage counsel because it’s not just the rapey part of the patriarchy that gives rise to worry, it’s the dissonance between believing in equality and being willing to live it. While only a very small percent of Americans think women should not be equal, according to Pew, plenty still ascribe to retrograde ideas about innate ability and biological differences between the sexes. While women tend to think that differences between men and women are based on societal expectations, men are more likely to believe in a “natural” difference. Put into a specific context, a study spanning decades shows that 25% of people believe that, while women and men should be equal in the public sphere, women should do the majority of domestic work and childcare. Of course! True to form, women should work like they don’t have children and raise children as if they don’t work, right? Look – the women and men who stay home as the family CEO are badasses and should be celebrated as such. It’s the hardest, most selfless, least championed important job on the planet. But arguing that women are naturally better at caretaking or cleaning or sending birthday presents or packing lunches has become a clever way to shirk living up to progressive values while claiming you’re simply complimenting women on their stellar ironing skills.

So back to my aforementioned feelings. I’m actively working on raising two boys to become productive, self-aware, compassionate members of society who will not abuse others with their power, privilege, or penises. The script flips knowing that I’ll soon be raising a girl to become a productive, self-aware, compassionate member of society who will not be abused by power, privilege, or penises. Note that subtle shift from active to passive voice? Nothing better sums up my feelings than the disparity in this reality.

So while I can’t possibly have all the answers as to how best to navigate the world she’s six months away from entering, here is what I vow to her today and forever:

• I vow to show her the strength of womanhood and the power she innately possesses. Strong women are not intimidating – others are intimidated. Note the difference.
• I vow that, despite what any ancient dogma or new age guru says, she’ll know that she is not somehow naturally subordinate to a man, no matter how well he is commanded to treat her. She will understand that women have more than male benevolence as the basis for our wellbeing.
• I vow to always remind her to put on her own oxygen mask first – to love, to truly love herself, so she can lead by example and continue to serve others. Breathing is critical to any success. 
• I vow to always be honest about the lessons I’ve learned, but also allow her to make her own mistakes.
• I vow to lead by example and ensure she’s surrounded by strong, loving, force-of-nature-type women. Children don’t hear us, they imitate us. (...I type as my 2-year-old effortlessly navigates an iPhone.) 
• I vow to encourage her to seek knowledge, empower her mind, and always ask why. 
• I vow that she will never hear me casually dismiss behavior by saying “boys will be boys.” Instead, she will see boys being held accountable for their actions.
• I vow to constantly remind her that we are not our possessions, but we are the accumulation of everything we've seen, the things we've done, and the places we've been. Time is the most precious resource we have. Take the trip. Drink the wine. Order the dessert. 
• I vow to be the place she can come to feel uplifted and protected. To be there for her always, through it all, regardless of circumstance.
• I vow to raise her not to wait for a knight, but to wait for a sword – she’ll learn to slay her own dragons, not to wait for someone to do it for her. 
• I vow that there will never be conditions put on my love for her. 
• I vow that her older brothers will know, live, and learn these truths as she does. 

There’s truth in the “Children Learn What They Live” poem I had hanging in my mudroom growing up. Kids don’t come into this world jaded and cynical and misogynistic, they arrive as open and curious mimics. So while I want my children to observe me holding power to account, I also want them to see me willing to open my eyes and heart to problems I ignore because I’m not affected by them. While being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn’t made plans, and pondering how you hurt your back, being privileged is when you think something is not a problem because you aren’t personally affected by it. Hardship and pain and hope and joy are not unique to a partisan experience. The problem is we don’t know each other. We intentionally don’t let one another in. In a world that is more connected than ever, it’s easier than ever to do just the opposite. We quietly ignore problems we aren’t affected by, only to turn around and loudly pontificate about how the other side could be so stupid. It is easy to hate through a filter. It is hard to hate up close.

So if you’ve only been scrolling your curated news and personalized feeds, you might have the impression that our country is coming apart at the seams. But please pause and take a breath. The government, especially the presidency, is in chaos and dysfunction, but the country is not. That is not to minimize the grave danger of the moment, but we must also realize that we are an expansive, diverse, and resilient nation of impassioned citizens and deep resources. If living abroad for nearly a decade gave me any perspective, it’s not only that Americans are an egregiously earnest bunch who unironically say “awesome” with painful enthusiasm, but that we innately contain inexplicable hope and resolve that grants us the ability to adjust and survive. We’ve proven it time and again.

So… steady. Please, steady. There is plenty to worry about, plenty to resolve to not normalize, plenty of fight for rights and justice, plenty to vow and instill in our children. And as we’ve seen, it is extremely easy, lazy, and lucrative to lead by fear. Yet I still choose hope. Because what’s the alternative? What do we want to model for our kids? I want them to believe in possibility. I want my daughter to know that, while there will be plenty of dragons to slay along her path, she doesn’t need to wait for a knight who is “naturally” better at that sort of thing, she needs to pick up a sword. Because in the end, she is who we are all counting on.

The arc of history is longer than this email and similarly challenging to follow, but I’m confident that we’ll make our way through the current crisis. Because if life and Instagram have taught me anything, it’s that things are seldom as good or as bad as they appear in any given snapshot of time. So have courage – the world needs you to show up today. You are valuable. Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyway. I’ll be there, too.

Wishing you and yours a hope-filled 2019.

Laura


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My 18 of 2018 – media I consumed that changed, challenged, or informed my opinions this year, all of which I highly recommend.

1. Racism’s Punishing Reach (Believe, as many do, that racial inequality is linked to class inequality? It’s not. It’s just harder to be black in America no matter what.)
2. UnErased: Mama Bears (The entire series is heart-wrenching and wonderful.)
3. Michelle Obama’s full interview on Colbert (A masterclass in tenacity, class, and realness.) 
4. Creating God (The social construct of religion and why it doesn’t matter. Spoiler: because religion works regardless of whether it’s true or not.)
5. X&Y (The entire Gonads series is brilliant.)
6. Life or Death Crisis for Black Mothers (The disparity is tied intrinsically to the lived experience of being a black woman in America.)
7. Slanguage: Why it’s literally not wrong to say literally (I still can’t quite get behind this one, but I’m literally giving it a solid try.) 
8. Weaponizing Victimhood (Unpacking the warped idea of male victimhood in the #MeToo era.)
9. Republicans & The Deficit (Fascinating insight into why George HW Bush wasn’t re-elected, but arguably should have been.)
10. World’s Apart (Yes, it’s a commercial. Yes, it’s worth watching.) 
11. The Politics of Purity (Meet the hero you didn’t know you had: Claire McCaskill.)
12. White, Evangelical, And Worried about Trump (More inspiring heroes.) 
13. A New Climate Tipping Point (Carbon Tax 101 and why I’m in favor of paying my dues.)
14. Facts don’t change people’s minds. Here’s what does. (Hint: it’s not going for the gut punch, it’s giving the previous decision an excuse.) 
15. The Gender Wars of Household Chores (Effectively my boxing day email in comic form.) 
16. Addressing Beliefs That Aren’t Rooted In Reality (Why fear is a dangerous and often inaccurate motivator.)
17. Chimamanda Adichie on NPR talking about how to raise a feminist daughter
18. Anything on Dan Rather’s Twitter feed (Case in point, here’s his most recent 🔥) 

Boxing Season 2017: Alive & Well!

Well, there you have it, another year done. Last year I started by saying that 2016 punched us in the collective face. But then, overheard in the final hours of 2016...

2016: *dusts off hands* My work here is done.
2017: Hold my beer.

It’s Boxing Day once again – lucky #13 – and I should probably start with something jovial and self-deprecating to lure you in and not come off as too angry or soapbox-y or worse yet, shrill. I’m sure some people think I should keep these shorter, lighter, and filled with more congenial, relatable stuff like a delightful Instagram flat lay. But these (and by these, I mean flat lays) take a lot more curation than you think. And while they look great, they don’t mean anything. Because they aren’t real. Who has all those monstera leaves just casually laying around on marble tables? Why would you spill coffee beans/thumbtacks/millennial pink macaron crumbs on your tufted white duvet? Put your watch/glasses/shoes back on for goodness’ sake, you’re working! THERE’S AN OPEN LIPSTICK ON YOUR STATUARIO MARBLE TABLE YOU MONSTER! ...are all things I shout at Instagram regularly. But really – if my Boxing Day letter was an Instagram account, would it be FlatLayStyle or would it be CelesteBarber? 

It's indisputably easier to confine real talk to sheet cakes and Ubers, and flat lay the shiplap out of an annual update to family and friends, right?   

Me among people I know and love: Why is everyone asking me personal questions?  

Me in an Uber: And that, Tom, might be where my commitment issues come from. So anyway, do you believe in God? 

But surprise to no one, I’ve landed here because things are not fine. Yes – curation, kindness, and sensitivity are noble and beautiful acts of love, but not when manifested to distract and ignore the daily bombardment of cruelty and incompetence. Enough. In the several decades since November 8, 2016, it’s become clear to me that avoiding political conversation isn't being polite or loving, it's being complicit. It’s cashing in on the luxury of not being directly affected, marginalized, or oppressed. So spoiler alert: in the following, I will use words like (trigger warning) systematic, pervasive, and privilege, and I will clear up – once and for all – the resounding confusion over when and where men should expose their genitalia. If being political isn’t your thing, you’re going to absolutely love this and you should definitely read to the very end. Uber driver Tom did. 

But if you’re just staying for the soundbites: 

• Despite not getting a full night of sleep since humans outnumbered bots on the internet, 2017 was a resoundingly wonderful year for me and the people I do life with. (Hashtag luxury of not being directly affected, marginalized, or oppressed)
• Owen and Theo continue to exhibit amusingly accurate cat and dog-like tendencies, which I should definitely stop talking so openly about before I give them both a complex. Ozzie’s observant, particular, independent existence is continually punctuated by Theo’s earnest, joy-filled, cacophonous chaos. Yesterday I came into our bathroom to find Oz meticulously stacking dental floss into a tower 6-packs high, and Theo laughing maniacally as he licked his way – paint brush-style – across the full-length mirror. Dream big, future parents.
• We bought a house! In Seattle! And it has room for you and your extended family to visit. It doesn’t currently have floors in the basement, but it also doesn’t haaaaaave aaaaaaasbestos! So weigh the pros and cons alongside the timeline of when you think two people who love their insanely involved jobs and their anthropomorphic cat and dog will realistically complete this project, then consider this your invitation. 
• If you’re really leaving us here, you should watch this and consider scrolling to the bottom for my annual recommended reads.

Okay party people, here we go. 

Is it too cliché to say that 2017 was a barrage of bad news and alternative facts and generally just a swift kick to the covfefes? The assault was so incessant that we became numb to the minor headlines like casual and petty personal attacks, reckless provocations, flagrant disregard for the truth (or, you know, open threats against founding principles and civil rights) in an attempt to focus on the most destructive fires and hurricanes. And that’s not including the devastating natural disasters beyond DC. It was a year that (for better or worse) was rife for poignant, thought-provoking, and conversation-starting commentary. So while these topics couldn’t possibly all make this year’s letter, I want everyone to take a cold-sweat-inducing moment to imagine you’re at a party, and the ice breaker is a round of team Jeopardy with these family-friendly and not-at-all-polarizing categories:  

Jeopardy

Climate Accords

Musl Travel Bans

CHIPs

Capitals of Israel

Elephant Participation Trophies  

Little Rocket Men

Double Jeopardy

Tax Reform 

Sports & Constitutional Amendments

1984

Standing Rock

Border Walls We’ve Loved

Net Neut... [sorry, category buffering]

Triple Jeopardy

Things that are #NotAThing 

Shores of Floribama 

Places We Should Drill

Deadliest Mass Shootings

Deadliest Holiday Extinctions 

a/s/l

Final Jeopardy
Bing bing bong bong bing bing bing

As for my 2017 Boxing Day theme, I’ll take THERAPISTS for $200, Alex. 

Wisdom is like scar tissue and frequent flier miles: it incidentally accumulates while you’re trying to accomplish something else. Right now, I’m actively working on raising two boys to become productive, self-aware, compassionate members of society who don’t abuse others with their power, privilege, or penises. Here are common conversations we have to that end: 

Yes, that is your penis! I know you think your penis is wonderful – you’ve made that abundantly clear. It is also private. You can do whatever you want with your penis alone in your bedroom, but here in [the parking lot, Target, our neighbor’s kitchen], you need to put it away.

No, it is my turn to talk now. I listened to your very interesting facts about trucks and magma. Now it’s your turn to listen because what I have to say is interesting and important also.

Mmmm... no, thank you. I don't like body part nicknames. 

Please do not slam your hands down on the table to communicate your feelings. I want you to be able to express your hurt, frustration, and anger about not getting to eat cookies for dinner, but I need you not to physically explode like that. That was violent and it scared me. 

You know what? That's too close. I need you off of my body. I need space.

When you hit and yell, I can tell that you're sad. It's okay to be sad, but it's not okay to hit and yell because that hurts me. I'm not going to be around you while you are hurting me. You should probably go be alone for a little while. 

Whoops! Yep, those are my private body parts. They are not for grabbing.

Hey hey hey whoa, did you see there is a lady in line here? Okay, well, you need to wait. I know you're excited! I can see that! You still need to wait. Just like everybody.

As I say these things to my boys, I recognize how naturally they come. I know these retorts all too well. See, while I’ve only accumulated a small amount of frequent flier mile wisdom through parenthood, I have an abundance of scar tissue wisdom from being a woman – I was saying all of these things to males long before I had two of my own. Despite our collective efforts to educate early and often, it’s clear that many men are still profoundly confused when it comes to respecting women, and more specifically, where, when, and with whom they should expose their genitals. 

Sidenote: “Where does your penis belong? A children’s book for grown-ass men” is a helpful resource, though if you’re really struggling with penis etiquette, there’s an online quiz that asks men where their penis belongs on a train (in your pants), waiting in line at the grocery store (in your pants), and at the office (not on the water cooler; in your pants). 

The reckoning of sexual harassment and assault dominated 2017 with a constant cascade of high-profile men (save the one waving a gun on 5th ave) being fired or forced to resign. And as we experience this fascinating moment of truth – our societal retinas painfully adjusting when suddenly exposed to the bright light of #metoo’s sheer volume and ubiquity – we are faced with two choices. We can close our eyes or dim the lights to reduce our discomfort, or we can force our eyes to adjust to the exposed reality, refocusing sexual harassment graphically, and disruptively, from a “women’s issue” to what it really is: the problem of men.  

No, #NotAllMen are violent against women, but #YesAllWomen have to navigate a world where men who are violent look the same as men who aren't. When a woman is in an office or an elevator alone with a man, she doesn't know which group he's in. And when we apply the Graham/Pence rule and limit solo interactions, guess who loses out? Hint: it's not Doug from accounting who gets even more 1:1 time with the boss. (Is this Doug's fault? No. But is Doug benefiting? Mmmhmm.) The answer is not to tell women to avoid offices or elevators, it’s to hold the men in the offices and elevators accountable. There's only one rule that needs to be followed, and that is the “don’t sexually assault people” rule. No man should require a wife present in order to follow this. 

This is a men’s issue because it isn't about individual perpetrators. It's a men’s issue because they hear gender violence described in ways that magically erases male responsibility (funny how many women "getting raped" just happens to). This is a men's issue because men benefit simply from the power of being a man, whether they abuse that power or not, right Doug? The thing about privilege is that it’s often invisible from the inside. It’s hard to see the scale and scope of a system designed to benefit you when it’s as all-encompassing as patriarchy. The best professor I ever had constantly reminded us to ask: Who wrote the stories? Who benefits from the stories? Who is missing from the stories? 

So the question is this: what can we all do to actively work against it? What are the roles of various institutions? How can we change the socialization of boys and the definitions of manhood that produce these current outcomes? Once we start making those kinds of connections and asking the real questions, then we can talk about transformation. Talking to our sons about how they treat women and showing them how to grow up to be feminists like Dad is a great start, but if we're endlessly derailed by what women are wearing or not wearing or arguing about what kind of open-secret harassment is gross but okay, we’ll never get there.  

I’ve been talking to men a lot in this missive. So before I sign off, I want the women to step outside with me for a sec. Our house of outrage is a harmonious house, thrumming with the sound of people agreeing vigorously, yelling into sheet cakes, and wondering if our president is, in fact, communicating with us from his toilet. (He is.) But I want to take a moment to breathe in the crisp, fresh, night air. I want to clear our heads as this intense year comes to an end. I want to exhale. I want to remind you (if you need reminding as I sometimes do), that you deserve to be represented in the stories, you deserve to benefit from the stories, and you deserve to get million-dollar signing bonuses for writing stories of your own. You also deserve to like things the way you like them. You deserve to buy yourself beautiful jewelry and burn your expensive candles. You deserve to stop comparing your desk to an Instagram flat lay and to eat that $18 artisanal granola rather than artistically spill it across your laptop for others to double tap. And you deserve to get the flavor of LaCroix you like the best, because you are the only one who can quench your thirst, and because it tastes so damn good. You are just as important as anyone else in your life. 

Our rise in action, our “getting too political” – it can’t just be a thing we did that one time we all got so angry that our voices got shrill. Plan to get hurt, plan to break. Plan to put yourself back together again. Plan to disconnect for a minute or a month. Plan to recharge. Plan to not stay silent. But do take care of yourself; you're the only person who truly can.

Okay, done! Perhaps next year I’ll keep it light and transcribe my one-woman show in which I share anecdotes about all of the times I’ve been burned by Secret Santas over the years. But probably not. I’ll likely talk about something cliché like how life is a giant swinging pendulum, or circularly ponder why we spend so much time and money trying to achieve balance, but then spend every free moment in our houses of extremism shouting into our echo chambers and expecting things to change. But regardless of topic, I promise to keep it suuuper long so that (unlike the other important communications you receive) you will know without a doubt that it wasn’t written from a toilet. 

Until next Boxing Season, know that I am beyond thankful for you, my inspiring, system-challenging, shrill friends and family. And thanks to you, 2017. For better or worse, it’s been absolutely covfefe. 

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Here’s my personal “Best Of 2017” list of thought-provoking, hilarious, and beautifully written reads. Many of these inspired, shaped, and even landed directly above.

Anything from Katie Anthony’s blog, and especially Dinosaur Defense
Katie is both an insanely poignant and intimidatingly hilarious writer. I drew so much inspiration from her blog, and in some cases, ripped off entire lines. (The listing things you say to toddlers? Hers.) Everyone should subscribe to her blog immediately, or better yet, support her here.

The First White President
“The scope of Trump’s commitment to whiteness is matched only by the depth of popular disbelief in the power of whiteness.”

Why Facts Don’t Change Our Minds
“Humans aren’t randomly credulous. Presented with someone else’s argument, we’re quite adept at spotting the weaknesses. Almost invariably, the positions we’re blind about are our own.”

My Family’s Slave
“She listened intently, eyes lowered, and afterward she looked at me with sadness and said simply, ‘Yes. It was like that.’”

Talking to boys the way we talk to girls
“We tell ourselves we are preparing our sons to fight (literally and figuratively), to compete in a world and economy that’s brutish and callous. The sooner we can groom them for this dystopian future, the better off they’ll be.”

The World’s Last Great Undiscovered Cuisine
“Grabbing oven mitts, she screams an incantation in Azeri and drops the red-hot horseshoe—splosh! clunk!—into the pot, leaving the whole fairy-tale brew to simmer just short of forever, until it's time to strain out the metal.”

The Nationalists Delusion
“Supporters and opponents alike understand that the president’s policies and rhetoric target religious and ethnic minorities, and behave accordingly. But both supporters and opponents usually stop short of calling these policies racist. It is as if there were a pothole in the middle of the street that every driver studiously avoided, but that most insisted did not exist even as they swerved around it.”

Poor Millennials
“This is what it feels like to be young now. Not only are we screwed, but we have to listen to lectures about our laziness and our participation trophies from the people who screwed us.”

The Looming Decline Of The Public Research University
“The system of public research universities—the one that became the envy of the rest of the world and a central component of America’s dominance of science, technology, and the global economy—has become an afterthought and even a target of state and national political leaders.”

A Most American Terrorist: The Making Of Dylan Roof
“Roof was safeguarded by his knowledge that white American terrorism is never waterboarded for answers, it is never twisted out for meaning, we never identify its “handlers,” and we could not force him to do a thing. He remained inscrutable. He remained in control, just the way he wanted to be.”

Why America’s Airports Suck
“As the manager of one midsize, overcapacity U.S. airport puts it, ‘Airport financing is a hot mess right now.’”

The Charcuterie Board That Revolutionized Basketball
"Don't pass for the sake of it… If you're open, shoot it. If not, pass it. But don't be stationary. Move!"

Elizabeth Warren Is Getting Hillary’ed
“The mainstreaming of this caricature of a woman… manages to gently but efficiently discredit Warren both with a right wing that regards ambitious women as threatening and ugly, and a left who might view her reported approach as fake, compromised and emblematic of reviled Establishment mores. It’s a limber exertion. But it’s worked before.”

Why do women get all attractive if they don’t want to be harassed? Glad you asked.
“It’s not a contradiction to want all those things and not want a superior to masturbate in front of you. That seems pretty simple. But I wonder if it’s a little too simple. I don’t think we can have an honest conversation about sexual harassment and sexual assault right now without talking about all the ways we have taken women’s bodies and turned them into vessels.”

Videos/Podcasts:
The Language of Gender Violence

Looking at Blue-Collar Factory Jobs in the Rearview Mirror

The Vandal and the Mosque: A New Chapter of Forgiveness in Arkansas

The White Fight of Derek Black

He's a local pillar in a Trump Town. Now He Could Be Deported

Boxing Day 2016 – The Great Delay

Sorry for my delay. This annual missive has morphed from an update I luxuriated over – complete with a decadent creative process summoned only by inexpensive alone time and multiple nights of uninterrupted sleep – to an update I whip together whenever a window of opportunity opens. (Current status = blurred haze powered by Christmas cookies, coffee, and the urgency of impending chaos.) But tradition is tradition. And this year is year 12, so you better believe that even though my coffee is cold, my husband is not even feigning subtlety with his I-could-reeeeeeeally-use-your-help-over-here side-eyes, and my strong sense is that the leftover ham will be picked over before I can indulge in the year’s second-best sandwich, I will get this email out today. Or maybe tomorrow. Definitely Probably before 2017. I’m perfecting the art of picking my battles. 

If Boxing Day evokes a visceral response this year, it’s probably because 2016 punched us in the collective face. Don’t get me wrong, on a personal level, 2016 has been up there with the best of 'em. Theodore Asher joined the party in June (the day Muhammad Ali died #thanks2016) and while we loved the prospect of having an Oz and a Taz, this chilled-out, joy-filed, love-lump is most definitely a Theo. If Owen is a cat – particular, ritualistic, opinionated, observant, not above peeing on pillows to prove a point – Theo is a dog: happy, easy, happy, easy, hungry, happy. Luckily, Ozzie’s fierce loyalty manifests itself as a protective and nurturing big brother and, while I stand by my claim that parenthood feels like treading water and being thrown a baby, Theo’s addition has only added sunshine and margaritas to that analogy. 

I left my long-term relationship with an incredible company (the love's still there, but the passion had faded), and after a sexy consulting rebound, I settled down with startup Duolingo. Haven't heard of it yet? You will. Passion doesn’t begin to describe my day-to-day – providing opportunity in the form of free education to the world – and I can’t help but think that the personal boundary shift that comes from learning a foreign language, the empathy developed by botching conjugations and brandishing ridiculous accents, is more important than ever. What if in this moment of rising intolerance, nationalism, and xenophobia we could all put ourselves in another person’s tongue? Could we then see that the world looks completely different depending on where you stand and what you speak? Also, Duolingo HQ offers massages and infused water, sooooo… 

We capped off 2016 with a move to Seattle, a city I haven’t lived in since the year 2000, but a place we all feel home. We’re renting a beautiful house in the ‘burbs, and while we’re short on the exotic carrots we used to dangle like stunning beaches and 12th-century castles, we do have more space than our last five apartments combined and we love visitors. Plus, we have an anthropomorphic cat and dog whom you really should meet.

Okay, let’s do this. 

As I sat down on Boxing Day, conditions perfect for penning a fiery takedown, or a rousing rallying cry, or a comforting hope piece, I gathered my thoughts, took a deep breath, put my hands over my keyboard, and started crying. So I topped up on the aforementioned Christmas cookies and coffee, tried again, cried again, and so on and so forth until other humans in my house began crying and I had a valid excuse to stop and pretend I couldn't smell the dumpster fire’s smoke. Through some creative trial and error, I’ve learned in times like this that David Attenborough’s Planet Earth voiceover is a foolproof remedy. Thus, over the last few days, I've been reminded (in transcendently buttery British narration) that in the Namib desert, the darkling beetle ascents a massive sand dune, inverts into a headstand, and remains still until a thin fog condenses on its body. Then slowly, using grooves in its casing, the water rolls into its thirsty mouth. I meditatively repeated “this is how life is sustained on earth” until I was forced to acknowledge Netflix’s passive-aggressive banter (yes, I’m still watching, stop judging me Netflix) and by then, my personal equivalent to blowing into the Nintendo cartridge was complete. Needless to say, I’m back now and I’m ready to go. 

I felt Hillary’s loss like a death in the family. And as I look back, I realize that her ultimate defeat should not have come as a surprise. The sickness that caused it has been slowly, yet plainly, metastasizing for years. I had simply learned to readjust to the warning signs, just like I readjust as a lefty in a world of right-handed can openers and serrated knives, or I readjust as a woman attending an executive meeting or walking alone at night. These conditioned adjustments are so subtle that I don’t even notice making them, but every lefty knows precisely what I’m talking about. As does every woman. And we’ve done this as a collective whole; we’ve ignored warning signs, subtly readjusted, humored untruths, normalized chaos, all while the world watched horrified at the bizarre pageant of our nation pretending these two contenders were equivalent.

Barbara Kingsolver was right when she said “Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier.” and only now am I unpacking how we arrived in this post-accountable world. As much as I want to shame Trump supporters for providing, if not explicit, at minimum, tacit support to his ceaseless vulgarities, the truth is that I too am complicit in supporting exploitative and damaging systems when they don’t directly affect me. (How many of you are reading this on an iPhone?) Ultimately, all of our shit stinks, and getting beyond that is going to take incredible work. What this does not mean is that it is okay, or that we should accept this as the new normal and readjust. Yes, I acknowledge that Donald Trump will be the President. I understand, intellectually, that he won the election. But I reject the notion that we must ingest this victory for smallness, for xenophobia, for misogyny, for racism, for wall-building and humanity-banning, for this particular brew of American ugliness that tops off the hatred-swirled slop pile he serves up on 140-character platters.

I am raising two sons in a country where I do not want them emulating our President-Elect. Let the gravity of that sit for a moment. And when the opportunity comes for me to talk with them about this, I will not shy away. I will not excuse how or why those who voted for him ignored his vileness, because while I am self-aware enough to understand that I too am guilty of complicity, this does not make it okay. 

Instead, I will tell my boys that our President-Elect is everything they should abhor, and fear, in a role model. I will explain how humans are inherently tribal and why actively fighting that tendency is so important. I will teach them to be kind to those they disagree with and to show dignity in the face of undignified behavior. I will show them my victory pantsuit and not trivialize the fact that inexperienced men get promoted ahead of qualified women every day. I will explain that patriotism is not the only way to love a nation. I will teach them to care for the full breadth of America’s diversity, not just the smallest sliver of it. I will reinforce that America is great and that openness, diversity, humility, progress, grace, and science make it better – not worse.

Most importantly, I will demonstrate accountability. I will admit that Mom and Dad and our entire generation royally screwed this up. But reinforce that after a devastating loss, the solution isn’t to quit and move away, or to hole up waiting for things to change, or worse still, to subtly readjust and go on like nothing happened. The solution is to acknowledge this reality, then reject it. To find a way to fight it, to overcome it, to defeat it. Yes, sometimes I will need a break to have a buttery Attenborough detox, but then I will come back refreshed and will do literally anything but accept this as our fate.

If 2016 was a punch to the face, my initial numbness came in waves of overwhelming powerless and insignificance. How can an ordinary person stop intolerance, ISIS, lunatics driving trucks into crowds, fake news, Tucker Carlson... But as the numb wears off, I realize that I can be extremely powerful in living accountably, by offering the small generosities of listening, by standing up against the casual utterance of prejudice, by letting daughters know they are no less than sons. And also by exiting the insulation of my bubble and experiencing a wider world. 

When Planet Earth ends after an hour (or 10), I think the strangest thing: This world is so much bigger and more powerful than any small moment in time (or small hands it may temporarily find itself in). We will be okay. Well, maybe not the darkling beetle. When it descends the sand dune, plump and hydrated, sometimes there is a Namaqua chameleon waiting, who casually flicks its tongue and eats the beetle for breakfast. No matter, the beetle has to reach the top of the dune, it has to drink water, it has to take its chances, it has to make that journey to survival. Like us, you see, it is a hopeful beast.

Thanks 2016, it’s been weird. And thank you to all of you, who continue to hold me accountable and make me hopeful each and every day. Bring it on, 2017. 


-------------------------------------------
Incredible writing came out of 2016, and I would be remiss not to mention the inspiration I took from so much of it. These are my most impactful and influential sources:

End This Misogynistic Horror Show. Put Hillary Clinton In The White House
(Barbara Kingsolver, The Guardian)

Revenge Of The Forgotten Class
(Alec MacGillis, ProPublica)

Sweet '16, Notes On The US Election
(Benjamin Kunkel, Salvage)

My President Was Black
(Ta-Nehisi Coates, The Atlantic)

Hillary Clinton vs. Herself
(Rebecca Traister, New York Magazine)

A Letter To America From Leslie Knope, Regarding Donald Trump
(Leslie Knope [aka Parks and Recreation Staff Writer], Vox)

The Trouble With The Liberal Arguments Against Third-Party Voters And What To Do About It
(Josie Duffy Rice, Daily Kos)

Choosing A School For My Daughter In A Segregated City
(Nikole Hannah-Jones, The New York Times Magazine)

Jon Stewart Finally Went Long About The Election And Donald Trump
(Todd Van Luling, Huffington Post)

Trump Changed Everything, Now Everything Counts
(Barbara Kingsolver, The Guardian)

Fear The (Boxing) Day 2015

Breathe a sigh of relief (or besetment; who am I to tell you how to live), you were not left off this year’s distinguished Boxing Day list! 

I’ve responded to a handful of texts this evening with this copy/paste reply: “No, you weren’t cut from the list. No, I haven’t started yet.”(And I’ve subsequently gained a newfound appreciation for my time abroad when you hadn’t yet figured out that texts were free.) But now the boy is sleeping, the guests are gone, the emails are answered, the dishes are done, so at long last, I can celebrate Boxing Day the way it’s meant to be celebrated… by penning yet another rambling missive that you likely won't receive until well after the day has hung up its gloves. 

So here we are again dear readers, you’ve come back for your 11th serving of what I can only assume has become an email you eagerly await, only to put off actually reading until an exceptionally long public transit commute, DMV line, or bathroom sesh. If you’re new to the list, welcome! Take it from the vets, my feelings won’t be hurt if you passive-aggressively unsubscribe (read: hit delete). You do you – whether you scroll, scan, and bow out now, or dive in with the fervor of a Star Wars zealot renouncing the prequels – my work here is done until next year.

Speaking of years, 2015 has certainly been a doozy. We started off finding Donald Trump entertaining despite his asinine antics, and we now find him a deplorable retrogression of humanity. (Which, I’d be remiss to exclude, is the reverse trajectory of Justin Bieber’s public perception pendulum.) And while it’s tempting to fixate on the humanitarian horrors, the senseless tragedies, the civil and social intolerances the year witnessed (don’t you worry, I’ll get to those soon enough), there were also incredible advances worth celebrating. It was undoubtedly a year of progress. Progress in science, diversity, and diplomacy, in wildlife conservation, health care, and feminism, in international climate agreements and Justin Trudeau… And while incremental, progress can be seen in terrible things getting less terrible, like homelessness, high school dropouts, and infant mortality, all of which have dropped. Where reckless pomposity over pyramids and guns in classrooms persisted despite overwhelming scientific evidence, there was breathtaking, radical progress for LGBTQ rights. So all in all, hope is not lost. However, with election season just heating up, I can’t help but think it’s going to be a schlong 2016. 

On a personal note, there are a few life-altering slices of progress to serve up: after an incredible 9-years, I decided it was time to move on from Yelp and pursue opportunities that would allow me to help another burgeoning start-up no one has heard of (yet) expand throughout the world. And to do this, a temporary move to San Francisco is in order, so that’s happening. Oh, and we also figured this would be a perfect time (please bask in the italic typography’s dazzling sarcastic glow) to grow our family, so baby boy #2 is joining the party this June. 

Okay then. With cocktails and appetizers out of the way, I’ll get to the main course. Top up your wine glasses, you’ll need it. (It’s like your Granny’s lasagna. Good, but heavy.) 

I’ve struggled with what to write about this year. Not for lack of material, but at the concern of vortexing into a political wasteland and not resurfacing until Shrove Tuesday. Moreover, I don’t want to get shout-y, and topics I’m especially passionate about also have the propensity to see me get shout-y. (See my recent gun control Facebook posts here and here.) But here’s the thing: I am truly heartbroken by the hate rhetoric and fear-mongering that is leading people I love – people I know to adhere to guiding principles of love and compassion and mercy – to embrace and advance agendas of fear. So shout-y be damned, I’m diving in, Garfield. 

Fear is indisputably important not only to our survival but to our successful livelihoods. Of course, we understand the evolutionary necessity of fear and how it motivates action (i.e. if our ancestors didn’t flee from persecution, from unsafe living conditions, from, I don’t know… tigers, we wouldn’t be here). But in our daily lives, fear shows us what is important, what matters to us the most. At its best, fear can be embraced as a known quantity within ourselves and harnessed to accomplish remarkable things. The advancements of our civilization (and shared experiences I've had with many of you growing up, surviving middle school, traveling, dating, road-tripping, skydiving, ex-patting, parenting, supporting Seattle sports teams) prove that we would not successfully explore/create/discover/reproduce without a healthy and balanced relationship with fear. But at its worst, fear festers as an idea-crippling, experience-crushing, success-stalling inhibitor. 

The scariest side of fear is how easily it is used as a manipulation tool. Turn on the news right now and you’ll see that instead of being motivated by [insert: exploration/creativity/compassion] with a healthy dose of precautionary fear sprinkled in, we are encouraged to be motivated by fear itself. “Scared? You should be. More guns. Closed borders. Hide your kids, hide your wives.” Nature imbued us with the need to feel fear, but the current rhetoric has sent it into unnecessary overdrive. Yet if we continue allowing public figures to succeed by scaring people, to stoke tensions with wild and dishonest scare tactics on the supposed threat of new arrivals, we don’t end up any safer. Paralyzing fear doesn’t make us safer, it makes us weaker. For as long as there have been immigrants to the United States, there has been fear-mongering about the destruction they will bring (your ancestors likely included). So what we’re hearing now is simply an update on an old script. How soon we forget, and how often we repeat. 

The irony can’t be lost on us as we tenderly re-package our nativity scenes depicting a holiday the majority of the Western world just celebrated. Christmas is a story of a Middle Eastern family seeking refuge, denied accommodation because they were strangers, only to escape to Egypt days later as – wait for it – refugees fleeing violence and persecution. And yet Americans (historical irony refresher: a country founded by immigrants fleeing religious persecution) are keeping refugees at arm’s length. 31 state governors garishly proclaimed that Syrian refugees are not welcome as if they'd never heard of the Nativity, and hadn’t just concluded a red-faced tirade about having to say “happy holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” My favorite tidbit? A state representative in Texas recently said that Syrian refugees shouldn’t be welcomed because it would be too easy for them to get guns. Sigh.

Let's be clear: not accepting Syrian refugees to avoid terrorists is like not accepting Katrina evacuees to avoid Hurricanes. Or as Obama more diplomatically put it: “The people who are fleeing Syria are the most harmed by terrorism. They are the most vulnerable as a consequence of civil war and strife. They are parents. They are children. They are orphans. And it is important that we do not close our hearts to these victims of such violence and somehow start equating the issue of refugees with the issue of terrorism." Furthermore, painting terrorist organizations with a broad brush that extends across all Muslims isn't just ignorant, it's irresponsible. 

So here's my point: If America is going to be a Christian nation that rejects those who are in the most need, that believes protecting guns is more important than protecting lives, that only welcomes those with the same religious beliefs, then either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish and fearful as we are, or we must acknowledge that Jesus commanded us to love and to serve mercifully without condition, and then admit that we just don’t want to do it. 

Sorry to go Granny’s lasagna on you, I’d much rather be comparing the second year of parenthood with the second year of ex-pat life. (Spoiler alert: less hard, more rewarding, incredibly boring to read about unless an active reality in your day-to-day.) But addressing the heavy stuff is important because not responding is a response. We are equally responsible for what we don’t do. And when a mass shooting occurs every day in America, and when the frontrunner of a major political party spews what can non-hyperbolically be described as fascist vulgarity, and when #blacklivesmatter is perverted by a racially tone-deaf populace that ignores the implicit “also” and negligently attributes the incorrect meaning that “only black lives matter,” and when a group of people, who are victims of crimes more horrendous than our privileged existence could scrape together from our darkest collective nightmares, are resoundingly rejected by “one nation, under God,” a nation that has the words “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door” proclaimed with pride on our most iconic national symbol of liberty, we must speak up. Enough is enough. 

The good news is that we can still exercise our humanity. We can stand up to the misguided Islamophobia that permeates media and politics and churches and neighborhood associations. We can agree that no one puts their children in a boat unless the water is safer than the land. We can show mercy for the neediest in the way that we’ve been shown mercy, by giving them the best the world has to offer so they don’t have to desperately reach somewhere truculent for safety or promises of a better life. And we can resist the urge for knee-jerk reactions that perpetuate a paradigm of violence that clearly is not working. Luckily, we have good examples like French President Hollande, who after attacks on his country increased France’s humanitarian commitment to refugees. Or Scotland. Or Canada. (Warning: that last link is a tear-jerker.)

If nothing else, we can reject polarizing “all or nothing” absolutes (gun control or mental health reform, America’s homeless or refugee protections, #blacklivesmatter or LBGTQ progress), but instead replace the “ors” with “ands” and realize that civil, social, and humanitarian progress do not compete against, but rather serve one another just as a rising tide raises all ships. 

It’s been quite a year, but as I reflect in the least shout-y way possible, I am truly humbled and grateful for you – my inspirational, non-conformist, fear-defying, thought-provoking friends – whose ideas and examples have been exceptionally contagious in my life and all the lives you touch. I wish you and yours a year full of exploration, creativity, compassion, and at least one trip to San Francisco, with a healthy dose of precautionary fear sprinkled in, you know, to keep you honest. 

Boxing Day 2014: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Happy Boxing Day! And…

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! After 10 (yes, 10) years of plugging away, an entire decade of campaigning, a demanding schedule that not even Colbert could sustain, I’m elated to say that Google reported “Boxing Day” as today’s “hottest search” in the US. While I’m not entirely clear on what “hottest search” represents, (note: DO NOT Google “hottest search”) I can only assume it means that we’ve won dear friends, we’ve won. Boxing Day is officially a thing. So while I’m tempted to drop the mic (insert: I’m lazy/I’d rather be sleeping), what would today be for you if not a day to skim through this holiday letter? So read on! You can even. Or don’t. I’ve heard that there’s a shrimp sale at the Crab Crib…

It’s only fitting that on this Boxing Day I am surrounded by boxes. Yes, we are moving yet again – this time to a 94-year-old house in Northeast Portland. Part of the plan? Mmm, nope. But so far, so good. We moved home last year thinking Portland was a quick pit stop en route to our next international adventure. Passport photos were posed for, global entry cards were secured, Visas were in the works. But it all came to an abrupt halt when our then 4-month-old unequivocally let us know that he would have none of it. We attempt to laugh about schlepping him around Asia amid his tantrum-throwing, projectile-vomiting rage, but it’s still too soon. We’d rather just Waterworld it (i.e. block it out and pretend it never happened). So like a sofa in a stairwell, we pivoted. My employer was exceptionally understanding and accommodating, and Jonny’s employer practically threw a party (as did both sets of grandparents). Are we done living abroad? Hopefully not. That chapter is certainly not closed in either of our hearts. For now though, we are Portlanders; actively reacquainting ourselves with a town we left 8ish years ago, and trying not to be the obnoxious couple that uses words like mobile instead of cell, flat instead of apartment, holiday instead of vacation, and public transport instead of anything that pretentious.

It is impossible to tie up our time living abroad with a nice little Boxing Day bow, or to explain just how challenging our year back in the states as new parents has been (visual aid: it’s like we were treading water and someone threw us a baby) but I can say that both experiences share some similarities. For example:

1. You live on adrenaline. Your senses sharpen, your improvisation skills are unmatched and you rely on your gut more than you ever thought possible (or safe). You constantly walk the fine line of having the time of your life and crying in the shower from sheer terror.
2. You are inundated with a new set of norms, rules, and lexicon and you quickly decide which you’ll religiously abide by and which you’ll blatantly ignore. I stole this from last year’s pregnancy comparison, so it works there too for those keeping score.  
3. You have at least two of everything. Two public transportation passes, two SIM cards, and two types of foreign currency in your wallet, two baby fingernail clippers, two binkies, and two onesies in the diaper bag. Two is a minimum of all the important things.  
4. You generally have no clue what is going on, but you have mastered the ability to fake it ‘til you make it. Added bonus: you can simultaneously give “expert” advice. Often unsolicited.
5. You feel nostalgic when you least expect it. Being homesick for silly things, like the unironic amount of American flags currently flying in your hometown, strikes the same chord as missing that special smell only a newborn has. They are both as weird as they are real.
6. You lack the words to describe how incredible the experience is. Which is good, because no one wants to talk about it unless they have experienced it themselves.

Since you’ve heard me wax lyrical about the nuances of life abroad in editions past, let me take this moment to get real about parenthood. First off, I’m convinced that parents have selective memory loss. Because while yes, it is incredibly rewarding, this beautiful little human we chose to create was essentially the destruction of everything we previously held dear (and still miss). Sleep? Gone. Romance? Forget it. Social life? Ha. Scuba diving? Skiing? Travel in general? Maybe you’ll read about those again in Boxing Day #20. I can only assume you’re up to your ears in Facebook posts with titles like “10 Things You Wish Parents/Non Parents Would Stop Saying” but I swear if one more parent tries to relate by assuming I ascribe to the belief that I didn’t know what real love was before my son was born, I will spiral into a tizzy the likes of Owen in Asia and throw a set of side-eyes that unmistakably express: “YES! MY LIFE DID HAVE JOY AND MEANING AND LOVE BEFORE MY CHILD WAS BORN! DID YOU FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM?!” And yet all this said, I’d choose to do it all again. Because my kid is awesome. And so painfully hard. And I love him to bits. There’s no other way to say it so please pardon my French – parenting is some crazy shit.   

The problem with these assumptions and presupposed rules is that parenting is not, nor should it be a one-size-fits-all experience. I’m just an armchair ethnographer, but I can safely say that Moms and Dads have been doing this for a long time and that even today, they do it differently based on where they live. For example, in Denmark, it’s completely normal to see infants alone in their prams outside of shops or restaurants while parents are inside, and in Tokyo, it’s not strange to see six and seven-year-olds riding the subway alone. Want more? Of course you do. Bedtime in Spain isn’t until after 11pm so that kids can have the social experience of participating in family life. The male and female roles are often reversed among the Aka tribe in central Africa, all the way down to suckling. Seriously. In both France and India, kids immediately eat the same sophisticated, complex, and/or spicy dishes mom and dad eat; the idea of a separate kids menu is not only foreign but repulsive. My colleague in Copenhagen explained that, for health reasons, it’s important to bundle up your newborn and let him take daily naps outside in the fresh air, even (especially?) when it’s snowing.

Global parenting trends are fascinating, but what really blows my mind is how parents around the world describe their children. This article does a better job than I have room for here (plus bar graphs!), but to paraphrase, Americans are more likely to call their children “intelligent” and “advanced” while other countries name qualities like happiness and balance. We obsess over our babies’ enrichment while Australian Mums obsess over their bubs’ easiness. I’m not saying one is right or wrong, and I can confirm that Owen is not currently parked on the sidewalk outside of the coffee shop I am sitting in, but I do believe it is foolish to parent-shame others based on cultural notions of what is “right.” And I do think it’s downright ridiculous to shame those who choose to not to have children, or assume that they don’t experience a form of love or completeness that us parents bask in on this side of the fence. And I never use the word ridiculous lightly.

So now let me take a moment to get real about my kid. He’s currently going through a lovable, happy phase, but that wasn’t always the case. In fact, the first half of his now 10-month life, he was grouchy, persnickety and demanding. There were many words I used to describe him, but “easy” wasn’t even in the outermost perimeter. His stubbornness all stemmed from one thing: he hated being immobile. Unless we were walking, bouncing, driving, or otherwise propelling him from point A to point B, he would kindly let you know that he was displeased. By screaming. This all changed the moment he discovered he could slide himself across the floor with a fancy maneuver we dubbed the penguin. Which turned to crawling, then to pulling himself up, and most recently, to walking. The little dude wants to move, and his mood has only bettered with each development.

But when he was the most frustrated, in the tender moments of each meltdown, I desperately wished I could communicate just how precious this fleeting phase of his life is. Everything is provided for him. He is warm, and safe, and loved. I wanted him to know that his future would bring endless opportunities of exploration and movement and growth, and that it is coming at him faster than a crash of rhinos, so he needs to slow his roll and enjoy the ride. But obvious language development issues aside, how could I expect Owen to understand advice I myself have trouble comprehending? How often do I hustle in a frustrated frenzy though moments I deem unimportant or pedestrian, only to miss them when they are gone? If I’m being honest, the answer is more often than not. It took seeing my son replicate behavior I know all too well to realize just how precious these outwardly dull phases are, and how inwardly rich and lasting they can be.  

While we are all in different phases of our lives, and while we have all curated our own collections of norms, expectations and beliefs, the common thread among us all is that every chapter is short-lived. Relationships evolve. Babies grow. Jobs end. Addresses change. Our favorite podcasts conclude. (Why Jay, why? What are you hiding? BAH!) And all the while, the next phase of our lives is coming at us like a crash of rhinos whether we’re ready or not.

So here it is – 2014’s Boxing Day reflection is to be still and soak up this moment like you would a Bath & Body Works fizzy peach bath bomb. (If you’re in the bath right now, you’re probably feeling incredibly smug. And cold.) Here’s to enjoying the moment, regardless of how pedestrian or spine-tingling it may be. To appreciating all the people and the food and the ‘normals’ that currently surround you. Because they will all change whether you want them to or not. And finally, here’s to listening to Eleanor Roosevelt and doing at least one thing every day that scares you.

Thank you for providing me with so many of my favorite ‘normals’ over the years. Wishing you and yours a happy, balanced, and intellectually advanced 2015. Watch out for those rhinos.

Boxing Day 2013

The time has come again, dear friends. You know what I’m talking about – the magical day each year I fill your inboxes with my Boxing Day missive, my own fine blend of formulaic self-deprecation, wordiness, and trite fortune cookie wisdom. So get excited. (How could you not after that riveting opener?)

From what all the internets tell me, 2013 has been a year of change both in personal and public arenas. And as usual, some were crushing setbacks and others epic victories. Where there were Rob Fords, there were Pope Francises. Where there was gratuitous twerking and open letters, there was Oscar tripping and endearingly graceful recoveries. While wearable tech seems to be going ahead despite Inspector Gadget’s warranted side-eyes, NASA’s now on Instagram, which is undeniably awesome. Taco Bell debuted a Doritos shell, but something something, more words, the cronut. (Intentionally judgment-free for individual ranking.) And despite crushing setbacks on gun control and affordable health care adoption (aka logic and rational choice theory), things like human genome sequencing, disease, and poverty eradication, and the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act are so expansively hopeful that I am filled with optimism. (A muscle only recently rediscovered after 3-years of atrophy in London.)  

On the personal side, I see that change has been afoot in many of your lives as well. A few years back BlingBook served up all my juicy engagement status updates and now babestagram has really come through to fill in the blanks on what y’all have been up to all these years I’ve been away. I mock in jest. All of your rings and weddings and children are beautiful. Well, except yours. (You know who you are.)

As avid Boxing Day apostles, you know change has been the name of my game for the last several years as well. Outside of this email, the Boat Show, and the Seahawks playoff choke, I’m not sure there’s a more reliable yearly chronograph than my annual Packing Tape Ritual. (You know, the ceremonial dance enacted whilst frantically picking at the tape’s taunting end, attempting to start a whole strip but succeeding only in peeling off toothpick-sized silvers.) And while I have an incredibly compelling reason to move home to the Pacific Northwest, I can’t pretend to ignore my borrowed Gilbertian sentiments that make this move more emotional than usual: traveling abroad is my great true love. Not only has it always been worth any cost or sacrifice, but I am loyal and constant in my passion for travel as I have not always been in my other passions. I can only assume I feel about travel the way a happy new mother feels about her impossible, colicky, restless newborn – I just don’t care what it puts me through. Because I adore it. Because it’s mine. It can barf all over me if it wants to – I just don’t care.

So while earlier this month I tenderly coerced the packing tape (read: performed Packing Tape Ritual), said farewell to my 6^th flat in as many years, and folded up my life abroad so that my kid could one day become president I could embark on this new journey, I had to do so with the firm belief that this is not the end of an adventure, but rather a jumping-off point for an incredible new one. Funny thing is, the sharp learning curve of living abroad wasn’t all that much different from the sharp learning curve of pregnancy. Take these four simple observations and apply them to both scenarios:

1. No one cares about the crazy things you’re experiencing other than you. (And maybe your partner, but the more likely case is that he’s just humoring you. Much like hearing about the scattered details of the wild dream you had last night, he doesn’t care.)
2. You’re inundated with a new set of norms, rules, and lexicon, and you quickly decide which you’ll religiously abide by and which you’ll blatantly ignore.
3. Like it or not, you’ll pick up local vernacular. For example, today I conducted a conversation that included the following phrases: “I’m a bit peckish,” “No dramas, arvo is fine” and “the rectal thermometer is more important than the hands-free pumping bra at this point."
4. There’s a secret nudge-nudge, wink-wink club of those in your boat. You all hang out together even though you swore you’d never be the [ex-pat/parent] that only hangs out with other [ex-pats/parents].

Really, it’s the combination of these two things – pregnancy and living/traveling abroad – that provided me with so much hilarity over the past eight months. Not so much in the garden-variety surprise flatulence vertical, but in the various manifestations of “indisputable” prescription and admonition I received along the way. Each society has its own unique set of rules that they share with fervor at the site of the bump, usually around the same time they burst all personal bubble illusions and give into the bump’s magnetic pull.

Take pregnancy eating dos and don’ts: In the US, alcohol is officially off-limits throughout pregnancy, while in the UK doctors advise women to “try to limit consumption to one pint of beer or one glass of wine a day.” Just try. In Singapore, I was nearly spontaneously Heimliched by a concerned street vendor after putting a piece of pineapple in my mouth, but was encouraged to eat ramen with chicken collagen and alkaline-soaked noodles to “reduce heatiness.” I could not find anyone who would serve me cold water in Tokyo, but I happily ate all of the sushi after the chef assured me that sushi made babies smart and strong and is the staple of every prenatal diet. My French colleagues scoffed at the idea of avoiding brie or other soft cheeses but doled out stern warnings not to consume any raw vegetables during gestation. They couldn’t bear to even describe the inevitable consequences.  

And all of this – all of the rules, the differing opinions, the wide and often conflicting array of ritualistic practices for something as primal and universal as giving birth – illuminated the fact that while each culture assumes they have it right, most of us under each societal umbrella are just following the rules and norms passed down to us, labeled as fact. In other words, we look as weird to them as they look to us. At the core, we all want the same things. Healthy babies. Loving families. Safe streets and schools. Strong economies. We just go about getting them in different ways. And that’s okay.

So as my path once again directs itself to a different continent, albeit one I’m familiar with, I hope to eradicate the fear that often masks itself as dogmatism or indolence and to continue exploring, rather than rejecting, ideas that might seem the most foreign, outlandish and uncomfortable. I challenge you to do the same. That said, I just can’t get behind wearable technology... yet.

It’s with deep gratitude and expansive hope that I wish you and yours an adventurous, change-filled, and fearless 2014.