Well, there you have it, another year done. Last year I started by saying that 2016 punched us in the collective face. But then, overheard in the final hours of 2016...
2016: *dusts off hands* My work here is done.
2017: Hold my beer.
It’s Boxing Day once again – lucky #13 – and I should probably start with something jovial and self-deprecating to lure you in and not come off as too angry or soapbox-y or worse yet, shrill. I’m sure some people think I should keep these shorter, lighter, and filled with more congenial, relatable stuff like a delightful Instagram flat lay. But these (and by these, I mean flat lays) take a lot more curation than you think. And while they look great, they don’t mean anything. Because they aren’t real. Who has all those monstera leaves just casually laying around on marble tables? Why would you spill coffee beans/thumbtacks/millennial pink macaron crumbs on your tufted white duvet? Put your watch/glasses/shoes back on for goodness’ sake, you’re working! THERE’S AN OPEN LIPSTICK ON YOUR STATUARIO MARBLE TABLE YOU MONSTER! ...are all things I shout at Instagram regularly. But really – if my Boxing Day letter was an Instagram account, would it be FlatLayStyle or would it be CelesteBarber?
It's indisputably easier to confine real talk to sheet cakes and Ubers, and flat lay the shiplap out of an annual update to family and friends, right?
Me among people I know and love: Why is everyone asking me personal questions?
Me in an Uber: And that, Tom, might be where my commitment issues come from. So anyway, do you believe in God?
But surprise to no one, I’ve landed here because things are not fine. Yes – curation, kindness, and sensitivity are noble and beautiful acts of love, but not when manifested to distract and ignore the daily bombardment of cruelty and incompetence. Enough. In the several decades since November 8, 2016, it’s become clear to me that avoiding political conversation isn't being polite or loving, it's being complicit. It’s cashing in on the luxury of not being directly affected, marginalized, or oppressed. So spoiler alert: in the following, I will use words like (trigger warning) systematic, pervasive, and privilege, and I will clear up – once and for all – the resounding confusion over when and where men should expose their genitalia. If being political isn’t your thing, you’re going to absolutely love this and you should definitely read to the very end. Uber driver Tom did.
But if you’re just staying for the soundbites:
- Despite not getting a full night of sleep since humans outnumbered bots on the internet, 2017 was a resoundingly wonderful year for me and the people I do life with. (Hashtag luxury of not being directly affected, marginalized, or oppressed)
- Owen and Theo continue to exhibit amusingly accurate cat and dog-like tendencies, which I should definitely stop talking so openly about before I give them both a complex. Ozzie’s observant, particular, independent existence is continually punctuated by Theo’s earnest, joy-filled, cacophonous chaos. Yesterday I came into our bathroom to find Oz meticulously stacking dental floss into a tower 6-packs high, and Theo laughing maniacally as he licked his way – paint brush-style – across the full-length mirror. Dream big, future parents.
- We bought a house! In Seattle! And it has room for you and your extended family to visit. It doesn’t currently have floors in the basement, but it also doesn’t haaaaaave aaaaaaasbestos! So weigh the pros and cons alongside the timeline of when you think two people who love their insanely involved jobs and their anthropomorphic cat and dog will realistically complete this project, then consider this your invitation.
- If you’re really leaving us here, you should watch this and consider scrolling to the bottom for my annual recommended reads.
Okay party people, here we go.
Is it too cliché to say that 2017 was a barrage of bad news and alternative facts and generally just a swift kick to the covfefes? The assault was so incessant that we became numb to the minor headlines like casual and petty personal attacks, reckless provocations, flagrant disregard for the truth (or, you know, open threats against founding principles and civil rights) in an attempt to focus on the most destructive fires and hurricanes. And that’s not including the devastating natural disasters beyond DC. It was a year that (for better or worse) was rife for poignant, thought-provoking, and conversation-starting commentary. So while these topics couldn’t possibly all make this year’s letter, I want everyone to take a cold-sweat-inducing moment to imagine you’re at a party, and the ice breaker is a round of team Jeopardy with these family-friendly and not-at-all-polarizing categories:
Jeopardy
Climate Accords
Musl Travel Bans
CHIPs
Capitals of Israel
Elephant Participation Trophies
Little Rocket Men
Double Jeopardy
Double Jeopardy
Tax Reform
Sports & Constitutional Amendments
1984
Standing Rock
Border Walls We’ve Loved
Net Neut... [sorry, category buffering]
Triple Jeopardy
Things that are #NotAThing
Shores of Floribama
Places We Should Drill
Deadliest Mass Shootings
Deadliest Holiday Extinctions
a/s/l
Final Jeopardy
Bing bing bong bong bing bing bing
Bing bing bong bong bing bing bing
As for my 2017 Boxing Day theme, I’ll take THERAPISTS for $200, Alex.
Wisdom is like scar tissue and frequent flier miles: it incidentally accumulates while you’re trying to accomplish something else. Right now, I’m actively working on raising two boys to become productive, self-aware, compassionate members of society who don’t abuse others with their power, privilege, or penises. Here are common conversations we have to that end:
Yes, that is your penis! I know you think your penis is wonderful – you’ve made that abundantly clear. It is also private. You can do whatever you want with your penis alone in your bedroom, but here in [the parking lot, Target, our neighbor’s kitchen], you need to put it away.
No, it is my turn to talk now. I listened to your very interesting facts about trucks and magma. Now it’s your turn to listen because what I have to say is interesting and important also.
Mmmm... no, thank you. I don't like body part nicknames.
Please do not slam your hands down on the table to communicate your feelings. I want you to be able to express your hurt, frustration, and anger about not getting to eat cookies for dinner, but I need you not to physically explode like that. That was violent and it scared me.
You know what? That's too close. I need you off of my body. I need space.
When you hit and yell, I can tell that you're sad. It's okay to be sad, but it's not okay to hit and yell because that hurts me. I'm not going to be around you while you are hurting me. You should probably go be alone for a little while.
Whoops! Yep, those are my private body parts. They are not for grabbing.
Hey hey hey whoa, did you see there is a lady in line here? Okay, well, you need to wait. I know you're excited! I can see that! You still need to wait. Just like everybody.
As I say these things to my boys, I recognize how naturally they come. I know these retorts all too well. See, while I’ve only accumulated a small amount of frequent flier mile wisdom through parenthood, I have an abundance of scar tissue wisdom from being a woman – I was saying all of these things to grown men long before I had boys of my own. Despite our collective efforts to educate early and often, it’s clear that many men are still profoundly confused when it comes to respecting women, and more specifically, where, when, and with whom they should expose their genitals.
Sidenote: “Where does your penis belong? A children’s book for grown-ass men” is a helpful resource, though if you’re really struggling with penis etiquette, there’s an online quiz that asks men where their penis belongs on a train (in your pants), waiting in line at the grocery store (in your pants), and at the office (not on the water cooler; in your pants).
The reckoning of sexual harassment and assault dominated 2017 with a constant cascade of high-profile men (save the one waving a gun on 5th ave) being fired or forced to resign. And as we experience this fascinating moment of truth – our societal retinas painfully adjusting when suddenly exposed to the bright light of #metoo’s sheer volume and ubiquity – we are faced with two choices. We can close our eyes or dim the lights to reduce our discomfort, or we can force our eyes to adjust to the exposed reality, refocusing sexual harassment graphically, and disruptively, from a “women’s issue” to what it really is: the problem of men.
No, #NotAllMen are violent against women, but #YesAllWomen have to navigate a world where men who are violent look the same as men who aren't. When a woman is walking down the street, or in a job interview, or in an elevator alone, she doesn’t know which group you’re in. You might be the best guy ever in the history of history, but there’s no way for her to know that. Does this mean that women should not walk down streets? Or attend job interviews? Or get in elevators? No. It means that men should stop sexually assaulting women. And when we apply the Graham/Pence rule and limit solo interactions between men and women guess who loses out? Hint: it's not Doug from accounting who gets even more 1:1 time with the boss for mentorship, for coaching, for opportunities. (Is this Doug's fault? No. But is Doug benefiting? Mmmhmm.) The answer is not to ask women to leave the room, it’s to hold the men in the room accountable. There is only one rule that needs to be followed, and that is the “don’t sexually assault people” rule. No man should require his wife present in order to follow this rule.
This is also not a sex issue. This is a power issue. Let’s stop arguing over whether a graphic sexual comment is as bad as a pat on the butt, or that seeing someone masturbate couldn’t possibly be as traumatic as getting violently raped. First, stop it. Who are we to rank an individual’s trauma? And second, stop it. Sheer emotional trauma is not the only way we should be measuring the impact of harassment. There is absolutely a continuum of abusive behavior, but the point is not that some behaviors are gross but excusable while others cross some arbitrary line. The point is that the behaviors are all connected in that the power dynamics that allow for them (and the excuses people make for them) are the same. Receiving an eggplant and winky face emoji may not even classify on the “what society deems not as bad as violent rape"-o-meter, but if the sender is her boss, and the text is one of the ways he treats her differently than her male colleagues, then it certainly affects her ability to do her job. “Consent” loses much of its meaning when one person holds power over another, and this abuse of power stalls, stunts, and ends victims’ careers. Instead of asking what abuse occurred, the question should be why can this abuse occur and be allowed to continue occurring. I believe you were well-intentioned here Matt Damon, but the real talk answer is guys like you – your well-meaning but tone-deaf warnings about a culture of outrage gone too far, your bad-faith #notallmen argument about how none of this is your fault or responsibility – are systemically part of the problem. You allow this to continue.
The idea that there are bad guys that need to be punished and good guys that need to be absolved is a naive way to understand what is a much deeper and more systematic social problem. This is a men’s issue because it isn't about individual perpetrators. This is a men’s issue because, from the earliest age, boys see these behaviors normalized through patriarchy. They hear the language of gender violence passively constructed in a way that absolves men of all responsibility. This is a men's issue because men benefit simply from the power of being a man, whether they abuse that power or not, right Doug?
So the question to address is this: what can we all do to actively work against that socialization? What are the roles of various institutions in helping to produce abusive men? What's the role of religious belief systems, the sports culture, the pornography culture, the family structure, economics, race, and how do these all intersect? How can we change the socialization of boys and the definitions of manhood that produce these current outcomes? Once we start making those kinds of connections and asking the hard, important questions, then we can talk about how we can be transformative. Talking to our sons about how they treat women and showing them how to grow up to be feminists like Dad is a great start, but if we're endlessly derailed by what women are wearing or not wearing or arguing about what kind of open-secret harassment is gross, but okay, we’ll never get there.
The best professor I ever had constantly reminded us to ask: Who wrote the stories? Who benefits from the stories? Who is missing from the stories?
The thing about privilege is that it’s often invisible from the inside. It’s hard to see the scale and scope of a system designed to benefit you when it’s as all-encompassing as patriarchy. To those on the outside, however, the margins are distinctly visible. That’s why men who really want to aid in leveling the playing field have a responsibility to listen to people who can see the things they can’t. When minorities tell you that you are harming them, listen. Listen even when you don’t understand. Listen especially when you don’t understand. There are numerous men who care deeply about these issues. I know this. But caring deeply is not enough. Not assaulting women yourself is not enough. Challenge yourself to be a different kind of strong.
Instead of: He's a monster (good thing I am not a monster like him, I’m one of the good ones).
Try Adding: Wow, that jerk manipulated his position of power to put women in positions where they couldn't choose to not engage with him sexually without risking their careers or reputations. I too am in a position of power as a man – is there anywhere that I put women in vulnerable positions? What can I do to help those who are the most vulnerable?
Instead of: If ever see this happening, I will stop that dirtbag immediately!
Try adding: This happens every day whether I see it or not. In addition to punishing these dirtbags individually, how can I make sure women become equal participants in my workplace? What can I do to help women feel safer here at work? How can I help make sure they have the same chance to succeed that I have as a man?
Instead of: I have daughters (so now this isn't okay anymore).
Try adding: This is offensive to me as a human being (not only because I am related to a person who is female), and I need to do something about it.
Instead of: We need to call this out when we see it (unless it would be super awkward, like in a board meeting, or if it would put me on super bad terms with my boss… or…)
Try adding: It's going to be uncomfortable at times, but I am going to work on my own awareness of how I benefit from systems that keep men like Harvey Weinstein on top for 20 years while he rapes and assaults women. I'm going to work on dismantling those systems.
Instead of: I AM SHOCKED
Try adding: I am not shocked. I listen to women and I believe them. The shit men pull is disgusting and pervasive and systemic and here’s what I’m doing to help change that… (Revert back to the first point.)
Who wrote the stories? Who benefits from the stories? Who is missing from the stories? If the writers and the beneficiaries are willing to stand up for those missing from the stories, to be the Hortons who hear the Whos, I believe something productive can come from this seemingly endless accusation storm. We can, with some good faith effort, figure out how to give women unassailable agency over their bodies and, therefore, their humanity. We can examine the biases that have kept that from happening thus far, and we can ask, honestly, why we’re so reluctant to dislodge them.
I bring reluctance up now, at the very end, not to smugly flaunt my point, but to check myself. Because I too benefit tremendously from the marginalization and oppression of others. For funsies, pick any section above and replace “men” with “white people” and “women” with “people of color.” Or Muslim. Or Jewish. Or LGBTQ+. Or disabled. Shall I go on? I empathize with you, good men of the world because I too know how it feels to be in a space where people are wary of me because I am a threat, despite wanting not to be. I am an upper-middle class, straight, white woman with immense privilege and I struggle with how best to be an ally and advocate for change. I mess up. Often. And I am the recipient of unearned grace. Often. Yet as vulnerable as I feel in that room, and as painful as it is for my retinas when suddenly exposed to the bright light, I am still infinitely less vulnerable than people who are stomped down by racism/islamophobia/homophobia every day, over and over again, by people just like me. And while I don’t always know how best to support change, it sure as hell isn’t by closing my eyes and dimming the lights to reduce my discomfort, or marching on in power, silently reassuring myself that I'm not racist (I'm a good one because I don't commit hate crimes!), or avoiding the subject in the name of not wanting to get political or create discomfort.
I’ve been talking to men a lot in this missive. So before I sign off, I want the women to step outside with me for a sec. Our house of outrage is a harmonious house, thrumming with the sound of people agreeing vigorously, yelling into sheet cakes, and wondering if our president is, in fact, communicating with us from his toilet. (He is.) But I want to take a moment to breathe in the crisp, fresh, night air. I want to clear our heads as this intense year comes to an end. I want to exhale. I want to remind you (if you need reminding as I sometimes do), that you deserve to be represented in the stories, you deserve to benefit from the stories, and you deserve to get million-dollar signing bonuses for writing kickass stories of your own. You also deserve to like things the way you like them. You deserve to buy yourself beautiful jewelry and burn your expensive candles. You deserve to stop comparing your desk to an Instagram flat lay and to eat that $18 artisanal granola rather than artistically spill it across your laptop for others to double tap. And you deserve to get the flavor of LaCroix you like the best, because you are the only one who can quench your thirst, and because it tastes so damn good. You are just as important as anyone else in your life.
This is not a sprint, this is a marathon. Our rise in action, our “getting too political” – it can’t just be a thing we did that time we all got so angry that our voices got shrill. Plan to get hurt, plan to break. Plan to put yourself back together again. Plan to disconnect for a minute or a month. Plan to recharge. Plan to not stay silent. But do take care of yourself; you're the only person who truly can.
Okay, done! Perhaps next year I’ll keep it light and transcribe my one-woman show in which I share anecdotes about all of the times I’ve been burned by Secret Santas over the years. But probably not. I’ll likely talk about something cliché like how life is a giant swinging pendulum, or circularly ponder about why we spend so much time and money trying to achieve balance, but then spend every free moment in our houses of extremism shouting into our echo chambers and expecting things to change. But regardless of topic, I promise to keep it suuuper long so that (unlike the other important communications you receive) you will know without a doubt that it wasn’t written from a toilet.
Until next Boxing Season, know that I am beyond thankful for you, my inspiring, system-challenging, shrill friends and family. And thanks to you, 2017. For better or worse, it’s been absolutely covfefe.
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Here’s my personal “Best Of 2017” list of thought-provoking, hilarious, and beautifully written reads. Many of these inspired, shaped, and even landed directly above.
Anything from Katie Anthony’s blog, and especially Dinosaur Defense
Katie is both an insanely poignant and intimidatingly hilarious writer. I drew so much inspiration from her blog, and in some cases, ripped off entire lines. (The listing things you say to toddlers? Hers.) Everyone should subscribe to her blog immediately, or better yet, support her here.
The First White President
“The scope of Trump’s commitment to whiteness is matched only by the depth of popular disbelief in the power of whiteness.”
Why Facts Don’t Change Our Minds
“Humans aren’t randomly credulous. Presented with someone else’s argument, we’re quite adept at spotting the weaknesses. Almost invariably, the positions we’re blind about are our own.”
My Family’s Slave
“She listened intently, eyes lowered, and afterward she looked at me with sadness and said simply, ‘Yes. It was like that.’”
Talking to boys the way we talk to girls
“We tell ourselves we are preparing our sons to fight (literally and figuratively), to compete in a world and economy that’s brutish and callous. The sooner we can groom them for this dystopian future, the better off they’ll be.”
The World’s Last Great Undiscovered Cuisine
“Grabbing oven mitts, she screams an incantation in Azeri and drops the red-hot horseshoe—splosh! clunk!—into the pot, leaving the whole fairy-tale brew to simmer just short of forever, until it's time to strain out the metal.”
Anything from Katie Anthony’s blog, and especially Dinosaur Defense
Katie is both an insanely poignant and intimidatingly hilarious writer. I drew so much inspiration from her blog, and in some cases, ripped off entire lines. (The listing things you say to toddlers? Hers.) Everyone should subscribe to her blog immediately, or better yet, support her here.
The First White President
“The scope of Trump’s commitment to whiteness is matched only by the depth of popular disbelief in the power of whiteness.”
Why Facts Don’t Change Our Minds
“Humans aren’t randomly credulous. Presented with someone else’s argument, we’re quite adept at spotting the weaknesses. Almost invariably, the positions we’re blind about are our own.”
My Family’s Slave
“She listened intently, eyes lowered, and afterward she looked at me with sadness and said simply, ‘Yes. It was like that.’”
Talking to boys the way we talk to girls
“We tell ourselves we are preparing our sons to fight (literally and figuratively), to compete in a world and economy that’s brutish and callous. The sooner we can groom them for this dystopian future, the better off they’ll be.”
The World’s Last Great Undiscovered Cuisine
“Grabbing oven mitts, she screams an incantation in Azeri and drops the red-hot horseshoe—splosh! clunk!—into the pot, leaving the whole fairy-tale brew to simmer just short of forever, until it's time to strain out the metal.”
The Nationalists Delusion
“Supporters and opponents alike understand that the president’s policies and rhetoric target religious and ethnic minorities, and behave accordingly. But both supporters and opponents usually stop short of calling these policies racist. It is as if there were a pothole in the middle of the street that every driver studiously avoided, but that most insisted did not exist even as they swerved around it.”
Poor Millennials
“This is what it feels like to be young now. Not only are we screwed, but we have to listen to lectures about our laziness and our participation trophies from the people who screwed us.”
The Looming Decline Of The Public Research University
“The system of public research universities—the one that became the envy of the rest of the world and a central component of America’s dominance of science, technology, and the global economy—has become an afterthought and even a target of state and national political leaders.”
A Most American Terrorist: The Making Of Dylan Roof
“Roof was safeguarded by his knowledge that white American terrorism is never waterboarded for answers, it is never twisted out for meaning, we never identify its “handlers,” and we could not force him to do a thing. He remained inscrutable. He remained in control, just the way he wanted to be.”
Why America’s Airports Suck
“As the manager of one midsize, overcapacity U.S. airport puts it, ‘Airport financing is a hot mess right now.’”
The Charcuterie Board That Revolutionized Basketball
"Don't pass for the sake of it… If you're open, shoot it. If not, pass it. But don't be stationary. Move!"
Elizabeth Warren Is Getting Hillary’ed
“The mainstreaming of this caricature of a woman… manages to gently but efficiently discredit Warren both with a right wing that regards ambitious women as threatening and ugly, and a left who might view her reported approach as fake, compromised and emblematic of reviled Establishment mores. It’s a limber exertion. But it’s worked before.”
Why do women get all attractive if they don’t want to be harassed? Glad you asked.
“It’s not a contradiction to want all those things and not want a superior to masturbate in front of you. That seems pretty simple. But I wonder if it’s a little too simple. I don’t think we can have an honest conversation about sexual harassment and sexual assault right now without talking about all the ways we have taken women’s bodies and turned them into vessels.”
Videos/Podcasts:
The Language of Gender Violence
